March 2018 was terrible. I can’t put into words how tiring, depressing and suffering it was. It really was the rock bottom. It was impossible for things to go further downhill. But somehow March 2019 is worse. There is nothing to make us feel like that. Actually, there isn’t anyone. Or more specifically, someone.. BadePaa. He was in pain this time last year. Totally in bed. Nothing could make him feel better and so he gave up. Life without him is worse than I imagined. How come I still feel his presence? How come I hear his voice in others? The sound of his footsteps, the way he teased me, the way he used to pat my head. His smell. His talcum powder. The way he used to remove my socks and shoes after I came back from school every single day. And more importantly, he never felt it as a burden or never got irritated because of it. It amuses me how excited he always was to do it. His every little thing is felt deep inside my heart.
He loved me. More than I loved him.
It’s crazy how you realize someone’s worth only when you can’t make them feel worthy. All his life he was made to feel unimportant. Then suddenly he vanishes and makes us realize how important he was for us.
Badapaa I’m just sorry. I don’t have anything else to say. I don’t think I’m worthy to say anything else. I love you and I wish you had a better life here. I wish these tears came in front of you so that you could see how loved you are. Everyone misses you here. But we don’t tell each other because we want to remain strong.
I will forever be incomplete without you. You have impacted our lives in such a big way. You really were an angel sent from above. And even though the conditions this March are way better than last year, I would happily go back to those days. Just so I could tell you how much I love you and how important you are to me and all of us here. We will always be a family of five. And that middle seat will always be yours. I miss you.
I’ve been trying to write this for months. But every time I started writing, I felt as if no amount of words can do justice to him and his life here. There are still so many things I wanna say to him. I hope some miracle could give me a chance to see him again..even for one moment. Until then..I’ll just spend my life in the wait to see him again in Heaven